so you wanna move to the South? even more rules.

• Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
• Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
• We don't do "hurry up" well.
• Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be west.
• The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
• Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
• We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
• You burn an American flag in our state -- you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature (all 4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner.
• We do not ever, ever, ever say the word you all, contrary to what Hollywood may lead you to believe. The word is y'all and it could be either 1 person or 101.
• Tea--yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot--sit it in the sun. You want it UN-sweetened--add a lot of water.

who "they" were... is "why" we are

Every true Southerner knows the difference between a conniption fit and a hissie fit and that both are "pitched" not just "had"

Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a platter of hot crispy fried chicken, homemade buttermilk biscuits and a big bowl of cold potato salad.
(If the neighbor's trouble is of an extreme crisis, they are also known to add a tall thin layer chocolate cake and hopefully a large banana puddin'!)

A true Southerner always has a pretty good estimate of how many fish, turnip greens, collard greens or butter beans it takes to make a good mess, just like they know...

• What the general direction of cattywumpus is
• That "gimme sugar" applies to everyone from toddlers to the revered elderly and it does NOT mean pass the sugar bowl from the middle of the kitchen table
• That if someone's "fixin" to do something, they surely will
• The distinct difference between Yankees and Damn Yankees!
• A good family dog is worth his weight in pure gold
• A "right fer piece" is way over "yonder"
• That a "redneck" has a will of iron and a solid gold heart
• You can't buy real gravy from a store
• You don't shop with shopping carts; you put your groceries in buggies
• Tea is served SWEET and COLD from a tall glass that is refilled FREELY until you've had your fill
• Coffee can be served before the meal, during the meal and after the meal from a bottomless cup with ample cream and sugar if desired.
• "Y'all" means ALL of you all and requires no addition of an " S " as it is plural already. ONE is NEVER called " Y'all "
• A true Southerner knows how good an ice cold Pepsi and a Lance nab are and where they come from!
• Rocking chairs on front porches and bench swings in the back yard are guaranteed stress relievers
• An elderly person in either of them is a valued history lesson
• Being called "dahlin" is not reserved for romance but always expresses tenderness. You do NOT however wish to be called "dahl"
• Southern Belles are also Steel Magnolias and are always held in the highest esteem
• Homemaking skills are an acquired art studied and refined as they pass from grandmother, to mother, to daughter 

and finally...

God loves everyone, even the Yankees.

tips from the southern tourism bureau.

• Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. 
• Don't laugh at southern people names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther, Ray, Tammy Ann, Maribeth, Inex, etc.) These people have been known to whip a man for less. 
• Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a whipping. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a hoot whether it is Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. 
• Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC (Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. 
• Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner, Grisham, etc.). We are also better educated, and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb because we'll whip you. 
• We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up, spend your money, and get out of here. 
• Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. JUST eat your biscuits and don't put sugar on your grits. 
• Don't fake a southern accent. This will insight a riot. (my favorite, but it's INCITE ) 
• Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't care. If you don't like it here, take your self home. 
• We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't really care. 
• We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. All other southerners do understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home. 
• Last, but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get you shot. You're lucky we let you come down here. Question our Bar-B-Q ...and go home in a pine box. 

we take it seriously. roll tide!

We take our religions seriously; Methodist, Baptist, and football! Wanna know the difference between Yankee football and Rebel football? Take a gander.

• Women's Accessories:
• NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
• SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.
• Stadium Size:
• NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
• SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
• Fathers:
• NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
• SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
• Campus Decor:
• NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
• SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
• Homecoming Queen:
• NORTH: Also a physics major.
• SOUTH: Also Miss America.
• Cheerleaders:
• NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
• SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
• Heroes:
• NORTH: Rudy Guliani
• SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
• Getting Tickets:
• NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
• SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.
• Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
• NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
• SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
• Parking:
• NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
• SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
• Game Day:
• NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
• SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
• Tailgating:
• NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
• SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
• Getting to the Stadium:
• NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
• SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
• Concessions:
• NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
• SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
• When National Anthem is Played:
• NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
• SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
• The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
• NORTH: Nothing changes.
• SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
• Commentary (Male):
• NORTH: "Nice play."
• SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
• Commentary (Female):
• NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
• SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
• Announcers:
• NORTH: Neutral and paid.
• SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
• After the Game:
• NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
• SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.

song of the south. music to my ears.

If you don't love this song... well... we're just simply not friends.

ten commandments. get yerself right.

We all know the South is known for it's respect of religion and politeness. So here it is... a Southerner's ten commandments for how to act in polite society. 

1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.